Non violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg

Article by: Lars Weijers

Last update: December 19, 2024

Non violent communication: this article explains the non-violent communication theory developed by Marshall Rosenberg. First, the definition of non violent communication and psychologist Rosenberg’s background are described. It then explains the core principles, explains the four steps and gives an example of the steps of non violent communication according to Rosenberg. After reading, you will understand the basics of this communication theory and be able to apply the model in practice. Have fun reading!

What is non violent communication?

Non violent communication is a method for communicating with each other in an empathetic and constructive way. This conversation technique, also known as connecting communication, allows conflicts to be resolved peacefully. The founder of this theory is Marshall B. Rosenberg. Having seen a lot of violence up close in his younger years, he made it his life’s work to look for a non violent, sustainable solution to conflicts.

Founder of non-violent communication: Marshall Rosenberg

Marshall Rosenberg (1934-2015) was a psychologist born and raised in the United States of America. Inspired, among other things, by the much violence he saw in his youth during the race riots in Detroit, Rosenberg investigated the causes of violence and conflict (CNCV, s.d.). One of the causes appeared to be the lack of skills of many people to express their needs as well as to understand the needs of others. During Rosenberg’s search for a way to teach these important skills to others, he developed the training for non-violent communication.

In 1984, Rosenberg also founded the Centre for Nonviolent Communication. This non-profit organisation is – still – working worldwide to transform our current way of communicating towards non-violent communication, for example in politics, education and business (CNV, s.d.). In addition, Marshall Rosenberg published his most important and also best-known book ‘Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life’ in 2003.

To this day, this book is widely used to educate communication professionals and trainers in non-violent communication. For his valuable work, Rosenberg received the Non-Violance Award (CNCV, 2007) in 2006, presented by the non-profit organisation Global Village Foundation (GVF, s.d.).

Core principles of non-violent communication

Through his years of research, Rosenberg developed the belief that all human actions are motivated by the motivation to fulfil their own needs. However, this motivation often causes conflicts to arise, for example when needs are not communicated or interpreted clearly enough.

Such a situation then often ends with accusations back and forth instead of a constructive solution. To avoid this conflict, it is therefore important for people to break the pattern of blaming by communicating their needs better.

Basically, then, non-violent communication is a way of talking and listening that focuses on understanding underlying needs, both your own and others’. The goal of non-violent communication is not only to resolve conflicts, but also to prevent them by improving underlying relationships.

Indeed, when people communicate with each other non-violently, they will build greater understanding and empathy for each other. Using the four steps of non-violent communication, we explain exactly how this works.

The four steps of non-violent communication

Nonviolent communication consists of four clear steps (Rosenberg, 2006) that help guide interactions between people in a constructive way. The steps are designed to create an environment of mutual respect and understanding. The four steps of non-violent communication are: observing without judgement, expressing feelings, communicating needs and requesting action.

4-step model of non-violent communication - Toolshero

Figure 1 – The four-step model of non-violent communication (Rosenberg, 2006)

Step 1 – Observing without judgement

The first step in non-violent communication is to describe the situation objectively without judgement or interpretation. This involves stating the facts without colouring them with personal opinions or feelings. A pitfall for many people is to describe the situation from a personal perspective, e.g. ‘You ignored me.’ This can lead to a defensive reaction in the other person, because the person disagrees or perhaps had a very good reason for not responding. At this stage, you could describe the situation as, ‘You haven’t responded to my message yet.’

Step 2 – Expressing feelings

Next, you can share your feelings about the situation. This is important because it allows the other person to understand how you feel about the situation. The point is not to blame the other person, but to be honest about your own emotional reaction. Instead of saying, ‘You ignored me’, you could say, ‘I feel ignored.’ Acknowledging your own feelings without blaming the other person helps keep the conversation open and honest.

Step 3 – Communicating needs

Once you have clearly communicated your feelings about the situation, it is time to share your underlying needs. Needs are not always immediately apparent, but they do form the basis for how we feel. For example, if you feel ignored because someone has not responded to your message, the underlying need could be that you want certainty about an agreement or that you need agreement to carry out an action. Expressing your needs helps the other person understand why the situation evokes certain feelings in you.

Step 4 – Making requests for action

The final step is to make a request. This request should not be a vague demand, but rather a concrete and achievable action. Instead of a pedantic and vague request like ‘you need to respond faster’, you could make a concrete and positive request, for example: ‘Next time, could you respond to my message earlier or indicate when you expect to reply, so I can adjust my plans accordingly’. This type of request invites cooperation where the needs of both parties can be met, rather than pressuring another.

How to practice non violent communication

Now that you have mastered the basics of non-violent communication, it is time to apply this technique in practice. Two example situations applying the four steps will be shared, one in a work environment and one in a private setting.

Non-violent communication example 1: non-violent communication in a work environment

Imagine you are having a discussion with a colleague about a project. You feel you are not taken seriously because your colleague is on his phone during meetings.

Observation: you could say to your colleague, ‘When I presented the project developments yesterday, I noticed you were busy on your phone.’
Feeling: next, you could share how this made you feel: ‘I felt not taken seriously and uncertain about the progress of the project.’
Need: next, you could explain what need underlies these feelings: ‘I need full attention during meetings, so that I have assurance that everyone is on the same page and up to date on developments.’
Request: finally, you could make a concrete request: ‘In future, could you turn off your phone during meetings or use it only when necessary?’

Non-violent communication example 2: non-violent communication in a private setting

Imagine feeling frustrated because your partner regularly comes home later than agreed without giving advance notice.

Observation: ‘When I had dinner ready at 6pm yesterday, I noticed that you were not home yet.’
Feeling: ‘This made me feel worried and abandoned.’
Need: ‘I need clarity about your schedule so that I can take this into account in my own planning and preparing dinner.’
Request: ‘In the future, could you let me know when you come home later than agreed, so that I know what to expect?’

As you can see from these examples, non-violent communication is a powerful tool for resolving as well as preventing conflict. By clearly translating your feelings into a need and corresponding desire, you make it easier for another person to understand your feelings. Hopefully this article has helped you apply this communication technique yourself!

Now It’s Your Turn

What do you think? WAre you familiar with non-violent communication? Or are you still looking and did this article give you an idea to take it further? What insights have you gained or what tips would you like to share?

Share your experience and knowledge in the comments box below.

More information

CNCV, (z.d.). Het Centrum voor geweldloze communicatie. Via: https://www.cnvc.org/nl/
CNCV, (2007). 2006 Bridge of peace nonviolence award. Via: https://www.cnvc.org/news/2006-bridge-of-peace-nonviolence-award
GVF, (z.d.). Global village foundation. Via: https://gvf.co.in/
Rosenberg, M. B., & van Dorp, J. C. (2021). Geweldloze communicatie: ontwapenend, doeltreffend en verbindend. Lemniscaat.

How to cite this article:
Weijers, L. (2024). Non violent Communication (Rosenberg). Retrieved [insert date] from Toolshero: https://www.toolshero.com/communication-methods/non-violent-communication/

Original publication date: 12/19/2024 | Last update: 12/19/2024

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Article by:

Lars Weijers

Lars Weijers is an experienced copywriter with an extensive marketing communications background. His specialisms lie in creative and active writing, combined with good search engine findability. Lars also works as an event and account manager with a commercial focus.